so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
