i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
