to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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