Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
