My Higher Power is John Stamos
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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