if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
