she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
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