I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
