he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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