mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
