Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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