I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
