I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
