I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I'm always down for nudity.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
