I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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