Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
