I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
