I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I think i got beer on your cat.
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