im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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