I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
