Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
3pm strippers are depressing
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
