she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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