i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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