Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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