I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
