The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
