I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Randomize
