Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
how does that bad decision feel?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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