I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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