I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
