I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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