please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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