I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
