Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
