the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
