Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
And then my night got REAL pukey
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
