i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
