So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
