seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
