I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
