when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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