Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
