He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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