If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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