I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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