They should really pass out barf bags in church
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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