I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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