This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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