he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
