so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
